Front Porch Pickin'

Honestly, it's like I'm shopping for people.

The presidential election season is getting ready to take a wild leap from somewhat interesting to may I have your attention please and I don't feel quite prepared for it. In recent years, I've already had my candidate of choice in mind before the primaries even start and this year I find myself uninterested in the lot of viable and acceptable candidates. When folks start talking about presidential hopefuls I just have to sit on my hands and listen because I don't have all of the facts, stats, and voting record tidbits at the ready.

Something must be done about this.

So, I've come up with the first poll in modern history that has to be taken by the candidate instead of a member of the electorate. It's like a one of those surveys that one of your friends e-mails you asking about your favorite color, dog name, last time you were kissed, and shoe size even though this friend should already know these things about you but you go ahead and fill it out because you don't want to be the only one who doesn't reply. Well this survey is way less annoying and way more important.

The directions are simple. I'll list what I want from a president and then I'll rely on your input on which candidate best foots the bill. Here we go.

Give me a President who...

• Uphold the laws, statutes, and amendments of the U.S. Constitution.
• Is not afraid of going to war but who would only take us there if American lives depended on it.
• Will tell the United Nations to either backup their sanctions or get out of New York.
• Build a fence at both Canada and Mexico's borders YESTERDAY!
• Cut off all international aid. We have debt here we need to fix first.
• Immediately cut off 80% of all entitlement programs. The other 20% will receive budget cuts.
• Begin domestic drilling for oil. ANWAR or not, it can be done efficiently and safely with little repercussion on the environment.
• Will tell those proclaiming Anthropogenic Global Warming to take a flying leap.
• Will work within his power, and with that of the judiciary, to overturn Roe vs. Wade and outlaw the death penalty. The Constitution states that it must protect the rights to Life and it is the President's duty to see that it is carried out.
• Will cut taxes, cut spending, move our economy to the gold standard, and increase incentives for family and small business.
• Will keep his nose (and that of congress) out of the bedroom of America. While the Bible is very clear on its stance on Homosexuality (and on this stance I 100% agree), I don't think it good practice for Congress to legislate what can and can't happen there. The Constitution does not venture into the issues surrounding the bonds of marriage for a reason...deciding who can and can't get married HAS NO PLACE IN GOVERNMENT.
• Will fix, then privatize, the health care system.
• Allow parents to have the choice of where to send their kids to school. There is only one thing that government does well. This isn't it. My president will push for the removal of federal mandates from the public education system (by allowing free vouchers) so that only the best and most effective schools will thrive.

That's about all I have time for right now. Can you think of a candidate who fits this mold?